Saturday, March 12, 2011

Accepting that I am a writer...

I have been putting this off for a ridiculously long period of time.

In all honesty, I don't even remember when I made this account, but here it is and here I am finally posting an online journal.

You see, I've come to the have come to ACCEPT that I am a writer.  I know, it doesn't sound like the most dramatic of realizations and certainly doesn't sound like something that I should have to "accept" as if it's a terminal disease.

"Oh, did you hear about Robyn?  He just found out.  He's a sad."

But there's a lot of pressure in declaring that I am a writer.  It means I have to prove something not only to you, but to myself.  I have to spell things correctly (gasp!).  I have to be entertaining, funny, witty, relevant and worst of the worst, I have to make sense.

I'm an introvert, which basically means I never stop thinking.  But my thoughts don't have to make sense!  If I choose to accept that I am a writer it means I have to put my thoughts on paper...or at least online, and that means I need to organize my thoughts in a way that other people can understand them.  I don't understand my own thoughts most of the time, how the hell am I going to make other people understand them?!?

What if I can't do any of that?  What if it turns out I don't really have anything to say?  What if my thoughts and opinions are wrong?  What if I'm not affirmed by all the people in my life who matter?  What if no one even notices?  What if I can't live up to all the expectations and hopes and dreams of what it means to be a writer?  There's a lot of risk in this declaration.

But here I am, declaring it to...well, to no one really.  I'm declaring it to myself I suppose.  Because being a writer really has nothing to do with anyone else but myself.  I'm not claiming to be a talented writer.  That's an entirely different kind of declaration.

This is more of a confession.  I'm confessing that I need to write to stay sane.   I'm confessing that I believe my thoughts are worth writing down, even if only to myself.  I'm confessing that I am self absorbed enough to believe that my thoughts and ramblings might actually make a difference if released out into the world.

So maybe being a writer isn't an illness, but more like a cure.   Here's to hoping my cure is entertaining.